Her absence is everpresent, couch in the kitchen, corner of my eye when the lights go out, voice, a dead air where used to be.

1966-21.2.2024

I am afraid, not of any foe no matter how intimidating, not of the road of thousands thorns or heavy carpets of nights over my eyes, its behiende me, its crawling, preying on my blood even tough its swiming in it, it wants to chew and defecate on the walls of my only home, to scare me away and take what is already their's

This is it people, I saw the vastness, both in hight and lenght of mighty chalenge before me, its towering presence engulfs my soul in dread, not that I care for my fears, as I am determined to conqure whatever stands in my way

I got accepted into the art college of my dreams, but that is only a step of the whole path I need to carve for myself, tuition fees and housing are hella expensive, a true money pits, on tight budget I might pull it off, still I feel like I am held hostage by my own anexiety, constant intrusive toughts questioning my faith in this whole plan I have and my own ability to acomplish it, night terrors keep me on edge at night, everything feels like waste of time if it isnt about making money, I am "paralized" in life, still I will keep on fighting, it makes me feel like life has meaning

Tomorrow I am going to get "executed" by art college I am trying to get into, I objectivley just know I do not have what it takes, I almost completley accepted that I am just going in there for the refund and that I would have to look for other options, tomorrow a child is finnaly buried and man is left to mourn for a young dreamer, anyways I will celebrate few and far between bits of joy this child lived with friends and a few pints of beer, not every man can be a father to his own hopes and dreams

I just realized my attempts at getting into art college are just me trying to prolong my teenage years in highschool, I already steped into adult life and... thats it? I work, pay my bills, eat and then come home exausted to waste my time till the next work day, I for the love of God cant see what there is to life after college, just work work work and then die, art is the last thing that I enjoy and that connects me with things I find cool, f@ck, I need to work on my portfolio