@IMisU First I'd like to apologize: I probably came off a bit strong in my first comment due to shock and sleep-deprivation. I meant what I wrote, but I could have used more tact. When you mentioned the psychologist, I did not imagine there would have been a suicide attempt in your past.
English is not my first language. When you say "ward", I am assuming you mean something along the lines of "adoptive parent" or another 'legal guardian'?
On "looking suspicious": Men can style themselves in various different ways. That 'some' men don't do anything on their bodies, other than the most basic hygiene, does not mean you have to mimicry one of 'those'. Sure: Idiots might try to "poke fun at you"/attack you verbally, but that will happen regardless of how you look.
On the hair removal: In case you are short on resources... I recently "learned"* about a method to remove hair with a string, that is apparently called "Threading":
https://www.wikihow.com/Do-Threading
(I despise wikiHow since the understanding of people writing guides there is often very lackluster. I'm mostly including the link for pictures of the string.)
If you bathe/shower first and do some after-care (which I leave you to figure out on your own), there will be less "bruising", and risk of infection.
I'd say about 5% of our resident artists are trans women. Maybe one of them could give you good beauty tips fr your particular situation? Otherwise, there's always the rest of the internet...
As for dealing with the "friends"... That might be the hardest part. And I would like to pose a question - which you do not have any obligation to answer. I can only ask those questions "aggressively", because I want to put emphasis on the reason why I ask them...
"
Why is it any of their business how you 'look'? Do they secretly want to sleep with you? Would they 'not like you anymore' if you were "ugly" or if you lost an arm in an accident?
'From their perspective', this whole thing i about 'looks'. They don't have to live in your body. How is it important to them how you dress... How you style your hair... If you shave your body... If you wear glasses... If you wear t-shirts with or without print... If you wear jeans or cord pants... Unless they want to be your partners, all of those things are completely insignificant to them and, 'frankly', none of their business.
This is not a "they don't wash" or "she does not brush her teeth" or "he's sick but does not wear a mask" kind of deal. There is no pungent aura around you and there are no health risks for others. Like earrings, piercings, or tattoos, what 'you' do with _your_ body is something others have to accept.
They are free to 'not like your style' - but somebody saying that they no longer want to be friends 'with somebody they were "friends" before' because they have a different taste in style (or music) makes me question if they actually were 'friends' before. You are still the same person you were before.
"
(1/2)
(I have to split the comment here...)
* The Apothecary Diaries (S02E13)
Yatsufusa
I am reading that part for the forth time now, thinking I missed something: "and I know that admit[t]ing to being trans is worse than being found out as a potential murderer"...
...the fuck?!
When people come out as trans (or gay, lesbian, bi, ace, etc. for that matter), I usually _congratulate_them_!
Finding out why (for lack of a better phrasing) "everything feels wrong" is a reason to _celebrate_; 'not mourn'.
If the people around you do not understand what "being trans" truly means, depending on our age, it might just mean that they never found out. Consider telling your close friends what you are going through. True friends will stick with you, even if they cannot completely understand your emotions.
Also... Consider investing into this book:
'Uncomfortable Labels: My Life as a Gay Autistic Trans Woman' by Laura Kate Dale
https://uk.jkp.com/products/uncomfortable-labels
(ISBN: 9781785925870)
'Me and My Dysphoria Monster' (also by Laura Kate Dale) might make for a good gift for younger relatives, by the way.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Me_and_My_Dysphoria_Monster
(ISBN: 9781839970924)
(I'm not affiliated with her, nor do I sell books. I just know 'her' as a listener and I know she's legit.)
IMisU
Thank you for resources and kind words, I appreciate that
I just came back from the therapist and while I have other serious problems and got a paper for a ward so they could monitor me, I was too terrified to open up about being trans again, last time I opened up to her was last year while under the influence of meds and shock from recent suicide attempt (I tried overdosing, my brother had to wrestle me onto the floor and restrain me so I dont hurt myself in dug induced madness until emergency arrived), I think she could tell I was witholding something this time so she didnt pressure me into saying it, but I will have the chance to open up at the ward next week, I hate looking at my own hands/arms, legs and beard because so much body hair repulses me and gives me dysphoria yet I am afraid to shave it because people would notice something is up with me and then question me, seeing women on the street is making me sad because I can only see femininity and body features I dont have but wish I did...
I once tried coming out to my best friends but because they started acting weird I had to backpedal and deny I was ever trans by saying "meds made me say that", and they bought it and everything went back to "normal", except suffering is now purely internal