Today I was supposed to visit mom's grave with family but I made a choice to betray my mom and family just because I am deathly afraid of facing my aunt after my backstabing idiot of a brother rated me out and told her I am trans, its always the same repeating cycle, I try to hide my abominable true self from those close to me to spare them the worry and hurt, mostly to avoid any chance of my fragile feelings getting hurt by empathy or directly by them, but then because I am repressing and hating myself soo much and living as a mask my insides eventualy rot and putrid contents burst out worse than before, so ironicaly I always make it worse and hurt both family and myself, its a cycle, and its getting worse each time, and the worst of all is I just cant stop the urge to continue spiraling down, cutting wrists, abusing substances and destroying this evil creature I chose to be, I want to die but that would just hurt my family and friends even more, God save me