Well, today in like a hour I am leaving to go to the therapist for a check up, and I am terrified of what she might find, or how she will judge my vulnerable insides, I hate feeling vulnerable, and I know that admiting to being trans is worse than being found out as a potential murderer, like at least they would treat me seriously and with care, but ADHD and being trans? I am afraid of either being ridiculed and told I am being silly, or that my feelings are some convoluted pattern of pathologies paired with childhood trauma and being socialy maladapted instead of my own geniune, valid feelings
in the end, what if I am just born incompetent and destined to fail? Or even worse, I am just weak loser who didnt try hard enough in life?
Yatsufusa
I am reading that part for the forth time now, thinking I missed something: "and I know that admit[t]ing to being trans is worse than being found out as a potential murderer"...
...the fuck?!
When people come out as trans (or gay, lesbian, bi, ace, etc. for that matter), I usually _congratulate_them_!
Finding out why (for lack of a better phrasing) "everything feels wrong" is a reason to _celebrate_; 'not mourn'.
If the people around you do not understand what "being trans" truly means, depending on our age, it might just mean that they never found out. Consider telling your close friends what you are going through. True friends will stick with you, even if they cannot completely understand your emotions.
Also... Consider investing into this book:
'Uncomfortable Labels: My Life as a Gay Autistic Trans Woman' by Laura Kate Dale
https://uk.jkp.com/products/uncomfortable-labels
(ISBN: 9781785925870)
'Me and My Dysphoria Monster' (also by Laura Kate Dale) might make for a good gift for younger relatives, by the way.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Me_and_My_Dysphoria_Monster
(ISBN: 9781839970924)
(I'm not affiliated with her, nor do I sell books. I just know 'her' as a listener and I know she's legit.)
IMisU
Thank you for resources and kind words, I appreciate that
I just came back from the therapist and while I have other serious problems and got a paper for a ward so they could monitor me, I was too terrified to open up about being trans again, last time I opened up to her was last year while under the influence of meds and shock from recent suicide attempt (I tried overdosing, my brother had to wrestle me onto the floor and restrain me so I dont hurt myself in dug induced madness until emergency arrived), I think she could tell I was witholding something this time so she didnt pressure me into saying it, but I will have the chance to open up at the ward next week, I hate looking at my own hands/arms, legs and beard because so much body hair repulses me and gives me dysphoria yet I am afraid to shave it because people would notice something is up with me and then question me, seeing women on the street is making me sad because I can only see femininity and body features I dont have but wish I did...
I once tried coming out to my best friends but because they started acting weird I had to backpedal and deny I was ever trans by saying "meds made me say that", and they bought it and everything went back to "normal", except suffering is now purely internal