Today I was supposed to visit mom's grave with family but I made a choice to betray my mom and family just because I am deathly afraid of facing my aunt after my backstabing idiot of a brother rated me out and told her I am trans, its always the same repeating cycle, I try to hide my abominable true self from those close to me to spare them the worry and hurt, mostly to avoid any chance of my fragile feelings getting hurt by empathy or directly by them, but then because I am repressing and hating myself soo much and living as a mask my insides eventualy rot and putrid contents burst out worse than before, so ironicaly I always make it worse and hurt both family and myself, its a cycle, and its getting worse each time, and the worst of all is I just cant stop the urge to continue spiraling down, cutting wrists, abusing substances and destroying this evil creature I chose to be, I want to die but that would just hurt my family and friends even more, God save me
The loneley road full of pain and suffering, why did I expect something would be different, it was written right on the box!
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And I lied
Comments
@IMisU I'm not a medical professional. I also never had a transition talk with a psychologist myself. And I do not know you. The "wanting to escape your own skin"-thing 'might' be an actual thing. _BUT_: Coming from a person calling themselves a psychologist and at the same time claiming that people could be "casually brainwashed" into wanting to transition into a gender they cannot identify with is... let's say "wild". I'm assuming that she barely talked to you before she arrived at her "diagnosis".
As I said above: Try to connect with the LGBTQIA+ community in your area. Getting in touch with people who can understand you is a good first step. You'll need less unregulated/regulated medication if you are in less of a "Must escape this hell!"-mindset. They will 'also' be able to help you by recommending local medical professionals who are actually worth talking to...
And they will be able to understand your cultural situation better than random people from the internet who will be from all over the world - such as myself. ;)
Yatsufusa
I do not know you or your family, but if your mother loved you, she won't see it as "betrayal" if you did not visit her grave at a certain day.
As a stranger from the internet, there is not much I can 'really' do for you, but from the sound of it, you should consider adding the following links to your bookmarks while you contemplate what to do next.
International Suicide Hotlines:
https://blog.opencounseling.com/suicide-hotlines/
List of suicide crisis lines on Wikipedia:
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_suicide_crisis_lines
'In addition', I would recommend you to do an online search to look up organizations that help you quit whatever substance it is you are abusing. (Just check that they're either not homophobic or transphobic BEFOREHAND.)
Other than that: You're probably not evil, but it sounds like you have a lot of toxic/insane people to deal with who want to control your private life for reasons I can only speculate about. Try to connect with the LGBTQIA+ community in your area.
And use more periods (".") at the ends of sentences. They make it much easier to read what you write.
Sorry I've given you a lot of 'homework', but in the end you have to take those steps yourself.
IMisU
Sorry for not replying sooner! I just had lots of shit go down, I've been looking for solutions to my mental health and practicaly wasted 5 months (through which I was just different shades of miserable, confused and misguided) to gain like a bit of wisdom and beat myself back into the closet because sad but stable life where I dont hurt those close to me is more peacful than one where I keep pushing through endless missery with only a vague hope of happines at the end of it
I still want to transition, its just that each pschyatrist had different opinion on that, one was old man who just handed me over to the next one, another was like completley supportive without questioning it at all, and the last one I have been to few days ago practicly told me that "Jorge Soros brainwashes youth to take their money" meme but she was unironic and seriously told me not to do it, but she did help me work through some other things that are ruining me, like abusing xanax and alchohole to drown out pain and guilt I feel since losing mom (also she just clumped my desire to change gender into the "wanting to escape my own skin" type of thing rather than me just geniunly indentifying more with femminine characteristics since childhood)
Baseline is they all probs just want to help me, but man, I am still kinda stuck, I did accept that sadness and guilt over lossing my mom is just something I cant get "rid off" and have to carry with me for the rest of my life, but I am still miserable and closeted, and have been running on empty reservoire for half a year at this point, having self identity is such uphill battle when you are born weird, you are told everyday not to lose hope and keep fighting, but then flags you want to fight for are unaccepted and frowned upon, so instead you become a "mercenary", faceless goon who works to survive and not for something they believe in